over the gravestone

today i was on the graveyard; every year in june we have sth that is call "spring all saints day"; and these year it happens to be today; so i went to graveyard and i started to think; where my life is going to? where will i end up? off course i know that i will die one day and end up in the ground but i mean in my life.... i really need to know that my life has meaning; that i have something improtant to do; that one day i will have happy family; that i'll be great teacher; i need to know that i will feel safe and make my family feel safe with me;
basically i know that my life is in my hands; and i know that i am the one who can make me feel happy; but i'm not sure that i can do it; i don't know if i am strong enough to make right choices; to fight for my happiness; to hang on the surface of flowing water; to swim against the stream; i want to belive that i can; but i made so many bad choices, so many times i tried to be brave and be responisble for my life...unfortunatly all my choices where disasters and there seems to be noone who will be determined to stand by my side whatever my decisions are; my family seems to be sick to the back teeth with my studies and hopeless future;
so that's my mood today; quiet deathly :)